lintyfreshness

Im slow. Im not smart. I articulate when I talk, therefore its deceptive. I'm not motivated to do anything. Im okay with being average at whatever is handed to me. Lame. I'm lame. I should have finished years ago. My SASS audit is something to shun. It long... but empty. Im ashamed. I feel like I've got nothing.

All I have is pleasant.

This kid equals excited.

Today was good for my soul. I drank wine on my best friend's back porch... it was wet. It was what I needed. I've lost myself in my job, my desperate need to graduate, and my boyfriend. Shes what I need. Without her I feel dejected and jealous. I hate that word jealous. I makes me feel less of a person.
But today was good. Significant. Heart warming. I hope everyone is happy today.

Im easily frustrated with her because she is emotional. Not in the bad way. Just in a way I dont understand. Im frustrated with what I dont understand. Im frustrated with work because I dont understand why I do it really. :o)

I need her, however, because she understands me, maybe not entirely, but she tries harder than anyone else I know. And as upset as she may make me, I love her.

When I say upset, I dont mean anger... just frustrate.

Nip Tuck is amazing. I enjoy spending my early mornings drinking Foldgers and watching this sickening drama. I feel dirty watching it. Like I shouldn't. Its my dirty secret.

Is it weird that I gauge my good days by how much I dance in my underwear?

I've now got the new LiveJournal Messenger. My Windows Live ID is lintyfreshness@livejournal.com. Sign up now and we can chat!

I annoy my boyfriend.
Daily.
Maybe its all in my head. Never been emotionally invested before. Never thought about living with one before. Never matched my socks before either. Never been so comfortable. Never been so sure before.

I annoy people. I get that... Im, annoying. I talk too much, Im too stubborn. I hate calling myself weird, but people call me that all the time.

Im so used to being "alone" that Im not sure how to operate with others. Especially Jeff. I find myself annoying him... now that this honeymoon feeling is over, I annoy him.

I dont feel that I jumped into this too fast. I hope he doesn't either. Cause if he dumps me... Im homeless. And thats kinda gay.

The homeless community here is missing limbs. Im not sure if they've been misplaced , its apart of initiation, or there are fierce scavengers lurking Pensacola.

I dont want to give up a part of me to be without Jeff.

I should take advantage of Live Journal. And I will.

All my friends that I talk to are difficult. Sometimes my boyfriend can be difficult. Mostly, Im difficult. Im a difficult person.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and say,

"You're getting old."
"You're too fat for this outfit."
"Stop smoking it makes your face wrinkled."
"Lipgloss makes your head look too big"
"You constantly look pregnant."

Its good to say these things to a wall. Absolutely. I feel so much better. When I tell my friends they give the obligatory, "Oh stop, you look great, oh nothing is wrong with you its all in your head."
Sometimes I want them to say, "You're right, that lipgloss does make your face look fat." or "Is that a new wrinkle or did you get an extra chin?" Honestly feels great.

Someone said to me 7 months ago that I was too pretty to be fat. I believed them. So I got in the swimming pool every day. I lost 40 lbs. It felt amazing. So amazing that people started to notice. They started telling me how great I look.... So I started hanging out with my friends and making new ones... so I stopped working out. Now its too cold to get back in the swimming pool. I want a bicycle for my birthday. I've gained 7 lbs in celebration of my weigh loss victory. Ironic isnt it?

I value my opinions. But clearly not enough to say, "Hey, you look great, see if you can lose 15 more pounds, you can do it."
That will be my goal. Lose 15 lbs by the new year.
I have no idea how to do that. I swam all the time. That was easy. Now I dont know what to do.

Suggestions?!

I saw it. I cant sleep. To terrified to sleep. Its good. Its scary. I wish I didnt see it. Its funny... now that Ive seen the movie, I believe I'll be haunted by demons. I wouldnt have worried about it before. But now that Ive seen the movie, its a possibilities. I laugh at myself because Im a wimp.

See Paranormal Activity. Its eerie.

Who made an 87 on their Forensics midterm? I did. Thats right. Im very surprised, as well as relieved.

Eh hem... is this thing on? I thought this mic was unplugged years ago. I've clearly been wasting energy and destroying the environment just to have this back-burner running for my "in case of emergency."

My words of encouragement and heed clearly aren't worth any trouble. I do my best to help friends in need. They hear me, but don't listen. They don't want to follow my advise. Not because its bad advise, they aren't ready to take it. They dont want to move on from what tumult they're faced with. And it aggrovates me. Not because they don't listen to me...

I don't follow advise either. I know whats good for me. Whats so hard about following it? Im ready to move on in my life. I know how to overcome my obstacles. I just wish my obstacles were less encouragable and didn't know where to find me.

I watched, "London" last night. It was depressing. A rude awakening.... and filled with cocaine. It wasn't very good.

I had a superior time on the Lady Anderson. It didn't get any better than sipping on a glass of white wine looking out into the Gulf. We had to make due with the view because all you really see are people's backyards. We pretended it was beautiful, but in all honesty...I thought it was, I loved being out. It was fun dancing on the boat. I was a little nervous to dance because I was afraid I really had to know how. But after 3 glasses of wine, two bud lights, and a redheaded slut, it didn't matter if I knew how or not.

Good times, good times. Thumbs up to the Lady Anderson.

I bought a couple of movies, I wanted to get Clueless, because I love Alicia Silverstone oh so very much and her pouty lips. I failed to remember the movie though. I came close to blowing 100 on shoes, Im so glad I didn't mayby I'll just spend 50 and get my mom to do the other 50. I got a new barbell for my ear. And its black with smaller balls, the barbell I was peirced with was insanely large. But I love my industrial.

No, really. I love it.

I was in Victoria's Secret. They've got their little sales going on and I just couldn't find anything worth wearing. Most everything that is made to look sexy, looks cheaply made and extremely uncomfortable. Like not even worth wearing the intended 15 minutes its expected to stay on your body. They should really group their underwear by the amount of time you'll wear it. Like in the front they should have all their comfortable standard underwear. Labled: Estimated time worn: 24 hours. And the "sexy" bras and panties: Estimated to be worn: 10 min. That would be cool.

Tonight was set to be spent with Kimmay. I went and worked with her a little at the hotel. I helped her out a little, enjoying the vacancy of the hotel at 9:30/10. We played some tricks on a guest and continued our night by having a rockin' time out at La Vela. We wanted to see Note4Note, for their excellent talent and grunged beauty that perspired all night. I hadn't seen them in months. Since October. And you can't have a better "feel good moment" other than when a band member walks up to you and says, "Hey, Jenn." It's puzzlement beyond comprehension when you haven't seen a stranger in nine months and they remember your name and everything you talked about that last hazy night together. It made me feel good about myself. Outside of losing a 20 dollar bet. Kim and I had a blast. And it's always a comforting feeling when you walk into the rock areana and see more of your own friends. Like you just knew they'd be there waiting for you. The night was euphoric. Good people, good music, good times. I admit, when they did their cover of "Hey, Yeah" I got on stage and shook my ass like a poloroid picture. The line formed of drinks waiting to be bought for me that night. I only partook in one water which was meant to cover my body, man stages are fuckin' hot.

I was happy. Kim was happy. On the way out the door she couldn't begin to tell me how much she missed Tom today and how much she loves him and anything else that makes your heart vomit. She remembered this list we made when we were little about "The Things We Want In a Man." Kim's list has been checked off completely and I couldn't be happier for her. My chest was pounding. I wore my jacket tonight... after all the dancing I nearly gave out. Water couldn't save me, maybe just drown me. My chest still hurts. Its a little hard to breathe. But thats okay. This happens sometimes. Kim and I saw someone fighting with a "insignificant other" on the phone. That makes me sad, but on the other hand, I wouldn't mind fighting with mine if it meant I could actually talk to him.

I took Kim to her car after she threw water on the guitarist. Accident I suppose. Kim was missing Tom. I was thinking about Dan. 2AM I drop her off. Somehow Im starting to hate the way I feel. I wish I had joint. Im hot, sweaty, covered in water, my chest in pounding, exhausted, and worst of all, lonely. I guess I was stuck in drive with my foot on the gas cause I went from happy to empty in 8 seconds. Stupid cars. I hate cars, even car analogies like the one I just made. Im not clever. 2:10AM, I just want to see him. He'd be asleep, I'm sure, but to just crawl into his bed and close my eyes would be filling. And comfortable. Being with him is comfortable and relaxing, I never have to worry about anything. I pull up. He's not there. It was confusing. He's always there. When has he not been there? And especially at 2:15AM? Who am I going to hold tonight? The monkey... that doesn't even smell like him anymore. It's 3:08. Just me. Alone.

Let me raise my broken glass to the dirty pleasure I derive from such depressing bipolar moments like these.

RENT, the movie, coming November 11, 2005. I'm so happy.

Shit shit!!! Im late for class! I woke up at 915. But I said fuck it and decided to just go in after the little break he gives us, so I'll leave here soon to be there at 1030.

So I got my name tags for Best Buy... they say, "Jenn" to me thats just so cute, rather than saying my whole name. Cuteness. So now I'm just one step closer to a real employee. Very awesome, I just need to wait 2 more weeks so I can get my blue shirt.

I gave a bum 4 dollars... I give this same bum money all the time. And his story was terrible. I originally gave him 3 and he wanted 12. Then he came back wanting more, and i just gave him one more dollar. In all honesty, he needed the money more than I did. I would have just spent it on somethingpety. So even if he puts it to good use or just buys cigarettes I helped him out. I still hate giving bums money. I should have gotten in the car faster. Much faster. I saw him coming... but I guess I didn't register it fast enough.

I dont work today. And I go in tomorrow at 3. Yay! Maybe I'll do something tonight. Maybe.

Oh!! I finally went to IHOP. It was nuts in there. I used to talk to the managers who work there when they would come into Office Max and they told me there had a hard time keeping waiters and waitresses. Which I believe. The place was packed and they didnt even use the other half of the restaurant. My supervisor gave me a welcome aboard kinda dinner/breakfast. And he's such a cool guy... until he talked about warcraft. I could have punched him in the face. I'm actually starting to hate the idea of that game. I didn't know I was allowed to hang out with my supervisor. At Office Max I wasn't suppose to hang out with them or managers. Either the rule doesn't apply or its not enforced.

Well I'm off to class!! Tootles all. Someone may get a phone call a little later.

So Ben's party was fun on Friday... minus jumping into the swimming pool. My foot is still undergoing excrusiating pain. I can't walk on it what-so-ever. I don't think I need to go to a doctor yet. It may just be bruised.

Friday is my last day at Office Max.

Saturday is my first day at Best Buy.

I win.

Pot luck tonight? Sure. What can I make? Poptarts? I could. Just stick them in toaster. Lobster. Everyone loves lobster. They don't have souls, so vegitarians can eat them too. ;)

Stupid foot. Christ it hurts! And it makes my right leg hurt because of over compensation.

Just rambling. Sorry.

Two miles will be good enough for today.

Western Civ was a blast. Baldwin was cracking people up today. We were making a list of why people wake up in the mornings. And I heard the shittiest answers: To help others, to find love, make the world a better place. There were some I agreed with like, money, education and sex. Those are my reasons for waking up in the morning. I like to help people out dont get me wrong its just not on my priority list...yet.

I've decided to help out a friend and be in his short film. I haven't acted in a while. And Im sure Im not as good as I was. Its just unfortunate that I'm not a very good actress. People just tend to remember the outfits I wore rather than what I was capable of making the audience feel. Which is fine I guess. It's only a line or two. Nothing big. Just helping a friend out. I will help out with the editing. That will be wonderful. I never have an excuse to play with iMovie anymore and it makes me sad. Hopefully he'll say, 'Here Jennifer, do whatever you want with it.' Perhaps I'll just cream my pants right then. I think he's banking on the film to be 5 minutes long. So the editing experience will be short and sweet. Just thinking about it makes me wish I had my old videos from Highschool. Some of them were gold. Maybe some of the girls have them. Molly, Victoria, if either of you read this and have the videos do you think you could make me a copy cause that would be great.

I work 345 - 800. After that I may as well study cause I never ever have anything else better to do.